Getting to Know Myself

I've spent the last few weeks trying really hard to get to know myself.  A difficult thing to do when you have spent most of your life trying to avoid knowing who you really are.  I've discovered that there are a lot of sides and facets to who I am.  Things that make up my being that I have no control over, or at least I thought I had no control over.  Realizing and accepting yourself for who you are, the good, the bad and the ugly is liberating.  Learning to appreciate that voice in your head as a type of protector rather than the jerk you have always seen it as.  Giving into the fact that you are not perfect, you will never be and no one expects you to be is refreshing.  Realizing that everyone is really too busy with their own shit, to be all that concerned about yours and if they are it's because their shit is a whole lot worse than yours.  We all have skeletons, we all have insecurities, and we all are human.  The best we can do is love and accept ourselves so that we can begin to love and accept others.

The voice in my head is a jerk

Luckily I am a reader and come to find out that I am not the only person in the world that has a voice in her head.  And also noteworthy I'm not the only one that's voice is an absolute jerk! The voice that resides in my head is full of bad ideas, outlandish and inappropriate thoughts, rude behavior, overly critical observations and sometimes down right nastiness.  Obviously the voice in my head has never felt loved, cared for, valued or accepted. I wonder why that is?

Recently I have heard the questions "How do I want to feel?" and "What does success feel like?" Definitely not like the voice in my head feels.  Apparently I have some work to do!

Independence Day

I awoke early and was able to take my long Saturday walk.  It felt great and I felt so empowered.  I listened to 2 great podcasts, I got my heart rate up and I was feeling awesome.  Then I tried on my shorts, nope that won't work.  I put on my trusty Capri pants, no way!! Talk about letting the air out of your tires.  I realized then I am kidding myself on what I need to do to get my weight and body image under control.  I have been walking which is great, but it's not enough to get me where I am comfortable with this body.  Either I accept where I currently am, which is where I have been miserable for 3 years or I do something about it!!!

Today I am declaring my independence.  My independence from feeling bad about my body, my independence from food, my independence from too tight clothes.  There is no reason why I should feel this way.  I have to be honest, this is going to take much more effort on my part, but there is no reason why I can't make this change.  I don't want to feel like I have this morning, feeling empowered to feeling self loathing.  Not fun! So today I make that change that I so desperately want, I am empowered and I can do this!

Setting Goals

Obviously (well obvious to me) I am in a habit and goal frame of mind.  I am borderline obsessed as I get which has me in hyper-analysis mode.  It seems like I always gear up, set goals, then promptly loose focus or forget about them.  Not the best action plan for accomplishment.  I believe that it comes from my all or nothing mentality.  Go big or go home, call it whatever you like I overwhelm my mind to the point of shut down. The goal is so big I can't seem to fathom a way to accomplish it because it seems so huge!!!

SO I am going to break some goals down into the smallest check points and see how that works for me.  I am not going to focus what I want accomplished by the end of this year.  I am going to simply break it down into this quarter, then the month,  through the week, and finally what I can do each day with the hopes of spring boarding the reaching of the small simple goals into the completion of the larger goals I tend to keep setting and resetting for myself.

I don't want to have to keep revisiting the same things, I am so ready for a change.  I listen to a podcast every morning when I am getting ready and the theme is "A summer of change" I couldn't agree more!