Reflection

As I reflect back on this week, there are definitely some high lights and some low lights. But isn't it that way every week? The highs and lows haven't been quite as dramatic as other weeks, but they have been there.  And with that being said, would I want my weeks to be just a steady even road? You don't appreciate the good things unless you have experienced the bad.  So as up and down as my life seems to be, I'm glad that it is, at least with ups and downs I haven't just fallen into existence.  

What I need

What I want and what I need are two totally different things.  I seem to think that I know what I want and generally those wants are impulsive and rarely serve me well. What I want is for someone to encourage and compliment me.  What I want is for someone to put me on a pedestal. What I want always comes with outside strings attached.
What I need is to be comfortable in my own skin.  Be my own cheerleader, believe in myself and not require validation from anyone else.  What I need is to put myself on a pedestal and really believe in my own worth.  What I need comes from within and has no strings attached.

Let go of whatever isn't serving you

So to go along with my "Be kind to yourself" campaign I am also spearheading a "Let go of whatever isn't serving you" movement.  It occurred to me that I let people and things into my life that don't serve me well.  They don't inspire me to be a better person, they don't bring  joy or positive vibes into my life, they don't raise my confidence, they basically do nothing for me other than turn me into a needy, insecure, basket case of a woman that I don't even really know or like for that matter.  I over think every thing I do, I am focused only on pleasing them, and I turn into someone that I am not.  All for what? To hope that someone likes me or compliments me or thinks that I am great?
Well it's time for me to be the one that I like.  I can compliment myself and realize that I am great.  I don't need someone else to do that for me.  I don't need to do things that I later regret or feel guilty or bad about.  If you are questioning doing something, it probably isn't the thing that you should be doing.
It is time to let go of those people and things that just aren't serving me and it's all right.  My priority right now is learning to love and please myself.  Not everyone will get that and not everyone needs to, I'm the only one that does :)

Be kind to yourself

I told a friend today that I no longer will put up with self-depreciating humor.  Not from them, anyone else or myself.  Today I am taking a stand and starting a be kind to yourself campaign.  Why is it that we feel the need to down play or put down ourselves, even in a "funny" way? Why is it so hard to feel awesome and let everyone know that you do? Why do we judge ourselves, then judge others? Why not be grateful for who we are and accepting of that? Lots of questions to ponder, but if I want to someday be the president of my own fan club, I need to take a look at the hard issues and address them.  Wouldn't it be great if we were all the presidents of our own fan clubs seeing our worth and contribution to the world? Something I'm taking a serious look at :)

I am a HOT MESS and I don't really care anymore!!!

For the past 41 years I have done a really good job living up to what is expected of me.  I put on a good front, even if I'm not there, I appear as if I am.  Well guess what, I am a freaking Hot Mess and I really don't care anymore who knows.  I was talking to a family member about this very thing how as a part of our family we could never appear any way other than what was expected.  I wonder if this is an expectation we have learned or come up with on our own.  Why if you are a member of this family should you act or behave a certain way? Perhaps it isn't a family thing, it is a society thing or a woman thing.  We must appear to be what is expected of us no matter how bad things are.
Well screw that... I am a freaking screwed up mess 95% of the time and the 5% of the time I'm not is probably when I've been on pain medication.  I am flawed, have no sense of who I am, no direction, and am basically lost.  My monkey mind is on hyper drive most days.  I have a mean girl that lives in my head that is a real bitch on a daily basis.  I can look in the mirror one minute and like what I see then a few minutes later that goes out of the window.  I am constantly obsessing about being perfect, knowing full well that is unreasonable.
But I also care a lot about a lot of things and a lot people.  I genuinely want to help and contribute and will do so even if it is inconvenient for me. If I love you, I really love you. I give the benefit of the doubt to a fault.  I believe that there is good in this world and so much want to be a contributing member to it. And I want to do that just being who I am, whether I am a hot mess or the model of got it all together.
I just want to be who I am, accept and love myself and hope that the world does the same :)

Stand Still

When I say stand still, I think of 2 things. The point of not knowing what to do so you do nothing and come to a stand still and the act of actually being still.  I'm experiencing both.  I am having some work related issues that I just don't really know what to do, so I am at a stand still.  It's beginning to wear on me so increases my desire to be still.  To become centered so that I can figure out a solution.  It seems like so many facets of my life are in a constant state of for a lack of a better term "a hot mess". I desire to be calm, focused, centered and most of all relaxed.  The uptight lifestyle that I have been leading is really starting to take its toll on my body and mind.
To say that I am uncomfortable in my own skin is an understatement.  I am uncomfortable with most aspects of my life. Physical, mental, emotional, work.  I know life isn't perfect and isn't meant to be, but at some point shouldn't it just be not so hard? Not that I have a hard life by any stretch of the imagination, but it seems that I am in a constant state of struggle and lacking acceptance of myself and my circumstances.  I have made huge strides over the last year, but have reached that point of stand still, not really knowing what I need to do now.
I feel like it's time for a fresh perspective, a new point of view.  Time to really figure out who I am, what I want and what I need to reach a state of acceptance in my life.

Change of Plans

I really enjoy the "aha" moment, that moment when things just become clear and make sense.  I experienced an "aha" moment yesterday that has changed my direction.  I am off track, there is no doubt about that, but rather than forcing myself to start another round of the 21 Day Fix, I realized I am just plain burnt out.  I need to take some time off from the struggle and guilt.  I am going to allow myself a break in which time I will exercise when I feel like it, I will eat what I want and not feel bad about it, and I will just take a little time to regroup and ease my way back on track.
By constantly barraging myself with making improvements, I am spinning my wheels because I can't even keep up with all of the things I am trying to be, least of all just myself.  So taking a break from all of the pressure seems to be the best thing I can do for myself right now.

Try Again

I have planned to start another round of the 21 Day Fix, the program that has helped me loose 20+ pounds. The past few months I have been trying to incorporate the plan into my every day lifestyle and I would say I am at a 70% or so success rate, but slowly I am falling back into old habits and my body can tell.  I wish I knew what the special formula for me that makes a habit stick.  Not that I haven't read many great books on the subject, I just have yet to have the "aha" moment when it comes to my own exercise and nutrition habits. It's not that I don't want to be successful in this aspect of my life, I just can't seem to totally commit all the way through. I can start it up like nobody's business, but I somehow fizzle before the finish line.  Which perhaps is part of the problem, there really isn't a finish line.
Technically with the program there is, however by the end of the 21 days, it should be developing into a habit.  Perhaps I just love Oreos and cupcakes too much to ever stay away.  I think my issue is with impulsive nature.  I tend to act on impulse in all different aspects of my life.  It could be also a lack of belief in myself.  Whatever it is, and maybe this go around I'll get a little closer to figuring it out, I am not feeling like the person I want to.  My body is becoming uncomfortable, my clothes are fitting a little weird, I am waking up feeling like crap.  These are not things that I want for myself.
So today, once again I am putting it out there, I am doing a round of the 21 Day Fix, I am committing to be 100% both nutrition and exercise wise. I am capable of doing this if I just believe and let myself do it.

The struggle is REAL

It seems like I have used this title before, regardless the struggle is real!!! I have seriously struggled all week long, with my nutrition, exercise, self image, the voice in my head, work, life and on and on. It is so incredibly easy to get lost in my internal abyss.  The older I get the more I can recognize it and take the steps to slowly pull myself up and out but it is still a struggle to do so.  I told a close friend that we are all a work in progress and it isn't easy and it takes time.  Sometimes I really need to take my own advice.  I am a work in progress and at no point will I or should I expect to reach perfection. This can be a journey, dare I say an adventure, not a struggle to be overcome.
Each day is one step in discovering who I am, what I like, where I want to be.  Each day is an opportunity to explore and grow, not a time to be stuck struggling for an unrealistic, unreachable perfection.

What is Happy?

I have been discussing this exact subject with a close friend and it has me puzzled.  What is happy? How do I know if I am happy? Is there such a thing a a happy life? Can you be happy and be yourself? Wow, a lot of unanswered questions on a subject that appears pretty cut and dry.  Either you are happy or you are sad right?  I don't think it's that simple, but I don't think it's that complex either.
My nature wants to be happy, but I generally feel like that I am always in a state of "if" or "when". Perhaps I am as happy as I will ever be and don't even know it. So if I get to "if" or "when" and I am worse off then what?  I have read several books on happiness and it still eludes me.  I guess step 1 will be to define what I think happiness is for me.  I have some thinking to do :)

Independence Day

I am all about the dictionary.  According to my Webster's dictionary (yes it is an actual dictionary with pages) the definition of Independence is "the quality or state of being independent" travel down 2 entries to Independent " Politically self-governing; free from the control of others; not committed to a political party or faction; not relying on others, especially for financial support; providing or having enough income to enable to one to live without working" 
Today I remember why I am able to freely write my feelings without worry of governmental retribution and reflect with gratitude the sacrifices of many people over the years in my behalf so that I have the opportunity to express my own independence.  I am also acutely aware of the conflict of independence, as referring to not relying on others.  As humans I believe that we need one another, yet we fight that trying to gain our individual independence.
Today I am feeling an enlightenment on balance.  I strive to be in a state of self- government, while allowing myself the freedom to rely on others.  I am sincerely grateful to live in a place where I can make these decisions for myself and express them.  I can strive each day to become the person that I choose to be rather than who someone else decides that I should by mere circumstance of my origin of birth.
Today I am truly grateful to be an American!!!

Today

My daughter asked me what I was doing today and I told her I had no plans.  She said "those are the best days" I'll let her know how it goes.  I did get up and go for an almost 3 mile run until somehow I did something to cause some major pain in my right knee.  My right heel also has something amiss with it. Getting old is rough.
But back to having no plans.  This is new territory for me, I like to have a plan and things all mapped out but as my life goes on I am realizing that I cause myself unnecessary anxiety making plans, then being anxious when they aren't going as planned.  Gerbil cage again.  So I am going to experiment with a few days a month not really making any plans and just see how it goes. Who knows i may relax and have a little fun :)

First Day

I always find it interesting how the first of the year or the first of the month or the first of the week seems to be the only time I can or want to or plan to start something.  Every single day is a first, yet the procrastinator or the control freak in me has to set the date for the first of sometime.  This typically leads me into putting off the things that I want to get started.  Which is contrary to my ability to start things and not finish them.
So where I am going with this is today is the first day of the second half of 2016. Reflecting back, I have made some strides and I have also taken some steps back.  I have made some progress in stepping outside of the gerbil cage, however I have run right back into the comfort and confines of it. The phrase " You can't keep doing the same things and expect to get a different result" is constantly in the forefront of my mind.   I feel like at some point in  my life I would be at the point of self- acceptance, however there are so many things that I feel like I need to change or improve about myself.
I mostly feel overwhelmed at the many things I want to do to the point of being frozen and doing nothing at all to get there. If I start and don't complete or stop doing something, I feel like I need to start over.  This really is getting me nowhere, in fact the longer I remain in this state the further behind I get.  I wish I had the magic formula to get me to where I think I want or need to be or at least the formula to be good with where I am today.
So as I begin the first day of the second half of 2016, I am going to do my best to look at each day as the first that it is.  Each day doesn't necessarily have to be a day to start over, however it can be an opportunity to get back on track if I happen to fall off the previous day. I don't necessarily need to start things over, I just need to get them back on track.  Today is the start of a better more evolved me. Today I put one foot in front of the other and do my best to stay on the track I am building for my life.  I may step off, but I can always get back on and keep going.  And those things that don't build my track in a direction that doesn't suit me, I can change that direction!!!