Bad Attitude

I have a pattern, I do really well at something then I totally just fall off and that's the end of that.  But I am back up trying again.  I have such a bad attitude right now and could use anything to help get me out of this funk.  I know that my attitude is my own and my own responsibility but I am really struggling with all of it.  All I know is that I need to get my shiz together and get past this soon.

Reflection

As I reflect back on this week, there are definitely some high lights and some low lights. But isn't it that way every week? The highs and lows haven't been quite as dramatic as other weeks, but they have been there.  And with that being said, would I want my weeks to be just a steady even road? You don't appreciate the good things unless you have experienced the bad.  So as up and down as my life seems to be, I'm glad that it is, at least with ups and downs I haven't just fallen into existence.  

What I need

What I want and what I need are two totally different things.  I seem to think that I know what I want and generally those wants are impulsive and rarely serve me well. What I want is for someone to encourage and compliment me.  What I want is for someone to put me on a pedestal. What I want always comes with outside strings attached.
What I need is to be comfortable in my own skin.  Be my own cheerleader, believe in myself and not require validation from anyone else.  What I need is to put myself on a pedestal and really believe in my own worth.  What I need comes from within and has no strings attached.

Let go of whatever isn't serving you

So to go along with my "Be kind to yourself" campaign I am also spearheading a "Let go of whatever isn't serving you" movement.  It occurred to me that I let people and things into my life that don't serve me well.  They don't inspire me to be a better person, they don't bring  joy or positive vibes into my life, they don't raise my confidence, they basically do nothing for me other than turn me into a needy, insecure, basket case of a woman that I don't even really know or like for that matter.  I over think every thing I do, I am focused only on pleasing them, and I turn into someone that I am not.  All for what? To hope that someone likes me or compliments me or thinks that I am great?
Well it's time for me to be the one that I like.  I can compliment myself and realize that I am great.  I don't need someone else to do that for me.  I don't need to do things that I later regret or feel guilty or bad about.  If you are questioning doing something, it probably isn't the thing that you should be doing.
It is time to let go of those people and things that just aren't serving me and it's all right.  My priority right now is learning to love and please myself.  Not everyone will get that and not everyone needs to, I'm the only one that does :)

Be kind to yourself

I told a friend today that I no longer will put up with self-depreciating humor.  Not from them, anyone else or myself.  Today I am taking a stand and starting a be kind to yourself campaign.  Why is it that we feel the need to down play or put down ourselves, even in a "funny" way? Why is it so hard to feel awesome and let everyone know that you do? Why do we judge ourselves, then judge others? Why not be grateful for who we are and accepting of that? Lots of questions to ponder, but if I want to someday be the president of my own fan club, I need to take a look at the hard issues and address them.  Wouldn't it be great if we were all the presidents of our own fan clubs seeing our worth and contribution to the world? Something I'm taking a serious look at :)

I am a HOT MESS and I don't really care anymore!!!

For the past 41 years I have done a really good job living up to what is expected of me.  I put on a good front, even if I'm not there, I appear as if I am.  Well guess what, I am a freaking Hot Mess and I really don't care anymore who knows.  I was talking to a family member about this very thing how as a part of our family we could never appear any way other than what was expected.  I wonder if this is an expectation we have learned or come up with on our own.  Why if you are a member of this family should you act or behave a certain way? Perhaps it isn't a family thing, it is a society thing or a woman thing.  We must appear to be what is expected of us no matter how bad things are.
Well screw that... I am a freaking screwed up mess 95% of the time and the 5% of the time I'm not is probably when I've been on pain medication.  I am flawed, have no sense of who I am, no direction, and am basically lost.  My monkey mind is on hyper drive most days.  I have a mean girl that lives in my head that is a real bitch on a daily basis.  I can look in the mirror one minute and like what I see then a few minutes later that goes out of the window.  I am constantly obsessing about being perfect, knowing full well that is unreasonable.
But I also care a lot about a lot of things and a lot people.  I genuinely want to help and contribute and will do so even if it is inconvenient for me. If I love you, I really love you. I give the benefit of the doubt to a fault.  I believe that there is good in this world and so much want to be a contributing member to it. And I want to do that just being who I am, whether I am a hot mess or the model of got it all together.
I just want to be who I am, accept and love myself and hope that the world does the same :)

Stand Still

When I say stand still, I think of 2 things. The point of not knowing what to do so you do nothing and come to a stand still and the act of actually being still.  I'm experiencing both.  I am having some work related issues that I just don't really know what to do, so I am at a stand still.  It's beginning to wear on me so increases my desire to be still.  To become centered so that I can figure out a solution.  It seems like so many facets of my life are in a constant state of for a lack of a better term "a hot mess". I desire to be calm, focused, centered and most of all relaxed.  The uptight lifestyle that I have been leading is really starting to take its toll on my body and mind.
To say that I am uncomfortable in my own skin is an understatement.  I am uncomfortable with most aspects of my life. Physical, mental, emotional, work.  I know life isn't perfect and isn't meant to be, but at some point shouldn't it just be not so hard? Not that I have a hard life by any stretch of the imagination, but it seems that I am in a constant state of struggle and lacking acceptance of myself and my circumstances.  I have made huge strides over the last year, but have reached that point of stand still, not really knowing what I need to do now.
I feel like it's time for a fresh perspective, a new point of view.  Time to really figure out who I am, what I want and what I need to reach a state of acceptance in my life.