For the past 41 years I have done a really good job living up to what is expected of me. I put on a good front, even if I'm not there, I appear as if I am. Well guess what, I am a freaking Hot Mess and I really don't care anymore who knows. I was talking to a family member about this very thing how as a part of our family we could never appear any way other than what was expected. I wonder if this is an expectation we have learned or come up with on our own. Why if you are a member of this family should you act or behave a certain way? Perhaps it isn't a family thing, it is a society thing or a woman thing. We must appear to be what is expected of us no matter how bad things are.
Well screw that... I am a freaking screwed up mess 95% of the time and the 5% of the time I'm not is probably when I've been on pain medication. I am flawed, have no sense of who I am, no direction, and am basically lost. My monkey mind is on hyper drive most days. I have a mean girl that lives in my head that is a real bitch on a daily basis. I can look in the mirror one minute and like what I see then a few minutes later that goes out of the window. I am constantly obsessing about being perfect, knowing full well that is unreasonable.
But I also care a lot about a lot of things and a lot people. I genuinely want to help and contribute and will do so even if it is inconvenient for me. If I love you, I really love you. I give the benefit of the doubt to a fault. I believe that there is good in this world and so much want to be a contributing member to it. And I want to do that just being who I am, whether I am a hot mess or the model of got it all together.
I just want to be who I am, accept and love myself and hope that the world does the same :)
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