Hangover

First I am going to start out admitting that I'm not really sure what my purpose of this blog is.  It varies from day to day, but I think I want to tell my story.  Better yet I feel like I need to tell my story, get it out for myself so that I can process and move forward.  Over the past 40 years I have pushed down a lot and it is fighting to get out and I can't keep it bottled up forever.  It's like a coke that has been shaken in a paint shaker.  So I'll work to slowly turn the cap hoping to avoid the inevitable explosion by letting the pressure out a little at a time.

Back to the subject at hand.  I woke up this morning with a hangover, funny thing is I don't drink.  I didn't drink yesterday, however I did partake of a twisty bread stick and a mini Chicken Alfredo pizza from the Pizza Factory, a chocolate chip cookie dough cookie from the Sweet Tooth Fairy and a bowl of cookies & cream ice cream.  I totally had a carb and sugar induced hangover.  When I say I don't drink, it doesn't mean that I have never drank, I just haven't for many years, so I know what a hangover feels like. This was as bad as any alcohol induced hangover with a side of guilt for treating my body so poorly.  I knew when I was eating the cookie travelling down I-15 that it wasn't my best idea, especially after the carb overload at the Pizza Factory, but I totally enjoyed every last scrumptious bite. I didn't know that my stepmom would be doling out a bowl of  another of my food weaknesses while we watched "America's got Talent"

What I do know is that I have issues with my body, and for the most part I don't treat it with love and respect.  I take advantage of the fact that I am for the most part healthy (as far as I know). I don't take care to fuel it with things that will make it strong and happy.  I partake of things that taste good in the moment but carry no value after that.  I've heard time and time again that nutrition is 80% of weight issues and yet I figure if I buy another pair of capri's to work out in,  I'll be well on my way to having a positive body image.  I live the lie that I work off more than I take in because I took a walk this morning.  Not to negate the fact that I am at least moving my ass, but that doesn't make up for the garbage I am putting in my mouth.  I know what I need to do, at least I think I do, but I am afraid.  I'm afraid to try, afraid of failure, afraid to change, so I remain stuck.  Stuck in a constant battle with my self love and self loathing, understanding and disgust, patience and impatience.

Fortunately the universe is putting information in my life to at least give myself a break, to know I'm not alone in this struggle and to give me some guidance on how to get my ass unstuck.  I am tired of the struggle and ready to surrender.  Not to live a life where I feel disgust for my being, but to be grateful that I have a being, grateful I wake up everyday, grateful I can move and make choices.  To find love for myself, something that for a good portion of 40 years has been buried deep.  And lastly to not wake up to another morning that I feel like shit!

Getting to Know Myself

I've spent the last few weeks trying really hard to get to know myself.  A difficult thing to do when you have spent most of your life trying to avoid knowing who you really are.  I've discovered that there are a lot of sides and facets to who I am.  Things that make up my being that I have no control over, or at least I thought I had no control over.  Realizing and accepting yourself for who you are, the good, the bad and the ugly is liberating.  Learning to appreciate that voice in your head as a type of protector rather than the jerk you have always seen it as.  Giving into the fact that you are not perfect, you will never be and no one expects you to be is refreshing.  Realizing that everyone is really too busy with their own shit, to be all that concerned about yours and if they are it's because their shit is a whole lot worse than yours.  We all have skeletons, we all have insecurities, and we all are human.  The best we can do is love and accept ourselves so that we can begin to love and accept others.

The voice in my head is a jerk

Luckily I am a reader and come to find out that I am not the only person in the world that has a voice in her head.  And also noteworthy I'm not the only one that's voice is an absolute jerk! The voice that resides in my head is full of bad ideas, outlandish and inappropriate thoughts, rude behavior, overly critical observations and sometimes down right nastiness.  Obviously the voice in my head has never felt loved, cared for, valued or accepted. I wonder why that is?

Recently I have heard the questions "How do I want to feel?" and "What does success feel like?" Definitely not like the voice in my head feels.  Apparently I have some work to do!

Independence Day

I awoke early and was able to take my long Saturday walk.  It felt great and I felt so empowered.  I listened to 2 great podcasts, I got my heart rate up and I was feeling awesome.  Then I tried on my shorts, nope that won't work.  I put on my trusty Capri pants, no way!! Talk about letting the air out of your tires.  I realized then I am kidding myself on what I need to do to get my weight and body image under control.  I have been walking which is great, but it's not enough to get me where I am comfortable with this body.  Either I accept where I currently am, which is where I have been miserable for 3 years or I do something about it!!!

Today I am declaring my independence.  My independence from feeling bad about my body, my independence from food, my independence from too tight clothes.  There is no reason why I should feel this way.  I have to be honest, this is going to take much more effort on my part, but there is no reason why I can't make this change.  I don't want to feel like I have this morning, feeling empowered to feeling self loathing.  Not fun! So today I make that change that I so desperately want, I am empowered and I can do this!

Setting Goals

Obviously (well obvious to me) I am in a habit and goal frame of mind.  I am borderline obsessed as I get which has me in hyper-analysis mode.  It seems like I always gear up, set goals, then promptly loose focus or forget about them.  Not the best action plan for accomplishment.  I believe that it comes from my all or nothing mentality.  Go big or go home, call it whatever you like I overwhelm my mind to the point of shut down. The goal is so big I can't seem to fathom a way to accomplish it because it seems so huge!!!

SO I am going to break some goals down into the smallest check points and see how that works for me.  I am not going to focus what I want accomplished by the end of this year.  I am going to simply break it down into this quarter, then the month,  through the week, and finally what I can do each day with the hopes of spring boarding the reaching of the small simple goals into the completion of the larger goals I tend to keep setting and resetting for myself.

I don't want to have to keep revisiting the same things, I am so ready for a change.  I listen to a podcast every morning when I am getting ready and the theme is "A summer of change" I couldn't agree more!

Habits

I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it again, but sometimes habits are just so hard to keep up.  Like blogging for instance.  I love doing it, it gives the voices in my head an outlet, yet when things get busy, it is the first thing to get dropped.   I've read a lot on self improvement and habits and everyone has different triggers and accountability factors.  I have yet to figure out what mine are.  I often wonder if I set myself up to fail by being so over the top.  Some improvement is better than none, right? Why must I have it all-or-nothing all of the time? Part of  being fabulous is accepting things as they are, part of being fearless is not being afraid to not be perfect.  Writing all of this down helps clear those voices demanding perfection and fearing rejection so obviously it is a beneficial practice. I am making a commitment to do better, not be perfect just make improvement.

Energy

On of the best things about starting to live a more healthy and fit lifestyle is the energy.  By moving more and being more choosy about what I put in my body, I am finding that I want to do things.  I have more clarity in my mind, I don't feel so overwhelmed and stuck.  I am able to concentrate and pay attention to things around me.  I truly want to be healthy and learn to love and accept whatever that means to my body.  Looking good comes from feeling good and that comes from within :)

Escapes and Questions

Sometimes a girl just needs an escape.  I totally have to throw in a salacious novel into my reading mix or I cannot focus.  I can always tell when I have reached that wall too.  I read a little and find my mind wandering or I switch to reading something else.  But with a really good novel, I can't seem to put it down and when I do I can't wait to pick it up again.  I just get so wrapped up in this fictitious world and somehow it clears my head.

Another random thought from this week is I've asked a few co-workers "tell me about [insert name here]"  I began thinking about that and what would I say if someone asked me to "tell me about Rochelle".  Truth be told, I don't know that much about her, other than how much I struggle with who she is presently, who she thinks she is and who she wants to be.  I know certifiable would be a good place to start!! But honestly I have spent so much of my life attached to someone else, daughter, wife, mom that I am not really sure how to be just me.  The past few weeks have given me the opportunity to really start to examine who I am and hopefully someday soon I could answer the question "tell me about Rochelle" and be confident with that answer

Fit

So part of my turning forty includes becoming fit.  Typically I would define fit by weighing a certain amount or wearing a particular size.  However, as I am evolving, I am rewriting the definition.  To me fit is feeling good, having the energy to do the things I want, being active both physically and mentally.  Fit is having an awareness of the things I consume including food, liquids, literature, television etc... Fit means that I am trying my best each day to become the best version of myself.  I am present, I am responding rather than reacting to my current situations.  Fit is being mindful of that mean voice in my head and having the capability to turn it down.  Fit is recognizing that when I have made a poor choice it isn't the end of the world, it is what it is and I learn from it and move on.   Fit is more than just a physical appearance, it is a state of being.

When the student is ready...

I always find it so amazing how when  you are looking for something, it appears in your life.  Not always immediately and not always easily recognized, but it does appear if you are in tune with yourself and your surroundings.  I've had a few epiphanies over the years and I swear if a light bulb could come on from them it totally would.  All of the books I've picked up or downloaded over the past few months have really spoken to me.  The podcasts I've been listening to are almost eerily speaking directly to me.  I'm learning a lot about myself and realizing that I am human.  I'm not unique in my struggles, in fact a lot of other people feel the same way I do.  I'm not a freak and this is reassuring news.  We are a society that is hard, hard on ourselves, and hard on one another.  We need to cultivate open minds and understanding hearts.  Show a little more kindness and compassion to ourselves and others.  Life is good, people are good, and we all have the ability to make a change.

What a Week

Exactly one week ago I was just getting home from graduation and getting ready to leave for senior lock up. Since then I have been to Las Vegas and back, sent my baby off into the big old world and am now feeling a taste of the "empty nest" This is truly an exciting yet intimidating chapter I am starting.  I almost feel like I am loosing part of my identity, yet I know this is an opportunity to create a new and improved me.  To really discover who I am separate of being mom.  I've been a mom since I was 17, before I was even out of high school.  Now I have 2 adult children both of which have graduated high school without a child.  It's going to be an interesting and fun ride.

On a side note, I accomplished one of my "forty while forty" I went to a show in Las Vegas (Michael Jackson One @ The Mandalay Bay.  Highly recommended activity and can't wait to see another.
Also, on a "side-note to self" there are some rules about travelling I have learned
1. If you haven't worn your swimsuit in 2 years try it on before you leave
2. Listen to that voice that says you should stop as you drive on by your bank on 3 different occasions to get some cash
3. If you are staying in Las Vegas and on the strip, Frank Sinatra Drive is your friend for the parking garages bar none. And if you are not, still figure out the parking situation before you arrive.
4. If you think you are going to stay somewhere just book a room, don't hope that one will be available
5. Although it is the same distance, it always seems to take much longer to get home than it did to leave especially if you cross time zones

Proud

Wow!! What a week, it is true that time truly does fly when you are having fun.  As I write today I am filled with many feelings, but at the top of the list is pride.  Not the kind that makes me a jerk, but the kind that shows my admiration for the accomplishments of many.  Today is my daughters high school graduation.  Over the past few months there has been talk of sadness, but I'm not feeling sad, I am feeling such a sense of pride in her as a person, in myself as a mother, in my family and friends for their contributions in her life.  I feel blessed to be a part of this day.  I feel excitement to see where life takes her and mostly I feel that deep love that only a mother knows.  Today is a good day :)

Overwhelm

It seems to me that overwhelm happens much more frequently than I would like.  I chock it up to option overload, the inability to say no, or trying to please everyone.  Funny thing is the one person I end up not pleasing with all of this is myself.  I often wonder where the incessant need for me to be "in the middle" of everything came from.  I take on too much, procrastinate a little, and make myself crazy, this cannot be good.  I imagine to get out from under this feeling of drowning of my own creation I need to stop cold turkey.  I just feel so guilty when I say no, but I feel worse when I take on too much.  I see why when on an airplane you are instructed to put on your oxygen mask first, perhaps it's time that I put mine on.

Gadgets

It never seems to amaze me all of the gadgets and trackers and apps that there are available.  I've partaken in a few, my Fitbit and my Varidesk. And can I say WOW to both?!?! I am really learning a lot about my movement from my Fitbit and I couldn't be happier with my Varidesk.  Not having to sit on my butt all day long is a total Godsend.  I want to be healthy and fit but I am the type of person that needs an extra kick in the pants once in a while and I am totally digging my new gadgets for that :)

Mindless Monday

I often wonder if I am the only person that has those days that you honestly wonder if your brain seeped out of your ears while you slept the night before.  Some days I have it so together and other days, like today for instance, I can barely function.  I am having trouble focusing and forget concentrating on anything for longer than 2 minutes.  The train totally goes off the track.  Hopefully tonight my brain crawls back into my head so I can rejoin the productive in society :)

The Best Job

There is one thing in this world that I am most passionate about, proud of and grateful for and that is the blessing of being a mother.  Nothing in this world prepares you for motherhood, but there is nothing in the world that compares to it either.  I know I haven't always done the best job at being a mom, but I've always tried to do my best.  It is such a crazy feeling to know that I have 2 adult children (oxymoron right?!?) My kids grew up so fast and that puts me in such a different place in my life.  I am so fortunate to have such a good, close relationship with both of my children.  This is something I am committed to nurturing and continuing for many years to come.  I have come to realize that relationships are the most important yet the most difficult things we have to figure out during our time on earth.  They can truly make or break you as a person and where would we really be without each other?

Podcasts

Well, I am transitioning into "middle aged" quite nicely lol.  I have discovered pod-casts which is really a glorified version of talk radio, something that I've always identified with a more "mature" audience :). Nevertheless they are pretty fantastic! So far I am quickly becoming quite addicted to Daily Boost which I am listening to in the morning as I get ready.  The Chalene Show when I walk and Happier with Gretchen Rubin as I am cooking.  I have been able to identify with each one and really have found them exciting.  I've been told when the student is ready the teacher appears, and I am truly starting to believe that.  With these pod-casts and the books I have been reading I must be ready to take control and make some changes for the better in my life.  I am definitely in the Incubation stage of my Intent Journey.  I do intend to be a fabulous, fearless, fit and fun forty year old!!!

Intent

I am reading Living with Intent again by Mallika Chopra.  It's so amazing how you can identify with a complete stranger.  I think we are more alike one another than we realize.  Often we feel like we are all alone in our struggles, but every single person has their own ups and downs and we even have the same ones.  We may all look different but deep down we have a lot of similarities.  It's opening my eyes to before I pass judgment, I should remember that we are all human.  We all eat, sleep and poop.  We all have feelings even if they are different.  While we are different we are the same :)

40

My daughter asked me this morning if I felt different, I felt the same as yesterday.  So 40 has come and almost gone without much excitement.  It's so funny how we gear ourselves up for these milestones to have them pass without much ado.  Time to get working on that list of mine, I only have a decade to get it done!!!

39 years, 364 days

So today is my last official day in my 30's.  Reflecting back, it has been a roller coaster of a decade.  I have made a lot of mistakes and learned a lot.  I am no closer to knowing what truly makes me happy, but I am confident that with my 40's I should be a little closer to figuring that out.  I have become more aware of myself which is a step closer. Now is the time to pinpoint the things that bring me joy, let go of the things that cause me angst and embrace fabulous, fearless, fit, forty and fun!!!

Random Thoughts

Since I am writing this blog like someone else may read it someday, I can share my random thoughts and hope that whomever is reading this can relate or get some good out of it.  That is how I sometimes feel when I read a book or most recently this morning listen to a podcast.  I was listening to The Chalene Show which is really great by the way and I could so relate to the guest and the topic.  It was like a light coming on.  I've done that with a few of the most recent books I've read, lights on!!! I love The Happiness Project and Better Than Before both by Gretchen Rubin (she also has a podcast that is great) I really loved Living with Intent by Mallika Chopra.  In fact I am going for round two in reading them all again to see if I can gain some additional insight and have more lights on moments.

Self Confidence vs. Self Loathing

It seems that my self confidence is in an epic battle with my self loathing.  Everyday it is a toss up as to which one of them is going to win out.  I've contemplated a lot on why I am so hard on myself.  Why I feel this need to criticize and pick apart my body, my actions, my thoughts.  When self loathing is winning it spirals into negativity in every single aspect of my existence.  I have negative colored glasses on and couldn't pick out something positive if it bit me on the nose, that's how much this takes over my life.  I've read a lot about gratitude and how expressing gratitude changes perception.  I've tried to start a Gratitude Journal, but as with most of my keeping track habits, it hasn't lasted.  It's obvious I need to bring a more positive vibe into my life, but at the same time it has to be in a way that is authentic to me.  Something to ponder for the day.

Small and Simple Things

I gave a talk in church earlier this year and referenced scripture that said" through small and simple things, great things come to pass" Little did I realize that this would become my motto.  The past few weeks I have been making small and simple changes.  Two thin mints rather than the serving size of four.  I get my sweet fix and don't miss the extra two.  Waking up at 6:30 and by 6:50 reading a little in bed.  After drying my hair mediating for 5 minutes.  After getting home from work, changing, listening to a pod cast and setting a timer for 10 minutes to walk one direction and then turn around and head back.  I will gradually add 1 minute. 5 small garden boxes rather than one large garden.  These are all small very simple changes that are producing huge benefits in my happiness and well being.  I have always been a go big or go home type of person, yielding very little in the way of result and commitment.  Go big is so overwhelming.  Small and simple is so doable and easily repeated.  I feel such a sense of accomplishment and the beginnings of a direction in my life.  It's a great feeling.

Do what works for me

I am a HUGE reader.  I love to read, I read magazines and books and articles.  One small downfall of reading so much is taking in all of the advice and information and making it work for me. I am currently reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin for the second time.  It speaks to me on a level I can't quite explain.  I believe that it is something that I have been searching for.  I wouldn't necessarily say that my life is unhappy, however the recognition of happiness has been minimal.  In the book she talks about her twelve commandments and secrets of adulthood.  I've been thinking in the 20 years I have been an adult, do I have any secrets of adulthood? I don't know quite yet, but through my reading I have come up with one.  Do what works for me.  Sounds simple right? Well I am not quite sure what works for me, so I am going to dedicate year one of my forties to finding out what works for me.  I already know one thing, getting up before the sun comes up doesn't really work for me :)

Monday

Monday can be a mixed bag of good and bad.  Monday generally sets the tone for the week if you let it, rough Monday can lead into a rough week, unless you are prepared.  I am choosing to approach every Monday as a fresh start, in fact I'm choosing to approach each day like that.  So what if yesterday wasn't what you had in mind, today is a fresh new day to try again.  I think often we get caught up in the hamster wheel spinning around and around and have no idea how to get off.  It's relatively simple slow down, stop the spinning and step off. From there regroup by figuring out what it is you are after, renew by expressing your commitment, refresh by giving yourself a break and taking care yourself and restructure by changing the things that are not working, then get back on with a new focus.  With excitement bring on the Monday's!!!

Rainy Days

Rainy days mean different things to different people.  To me a rainy day signifies cooking especially soups, no idea why but whenever it rains, soup is what comes to my mind.  A rainy day also means staying indoors wishing you could be outdoors, but if it were sunny you would be indoors anyhow.  Which leads me to being in the present and mindfulness.  I have read a lot about these two topics and know I would be much happier and balanced with enjoying what is right in front of me rather than worrying about what may or may not happen. Also taking the time to just breathe and slow down has been huge, its only 5 minutes but it seems to help me through out the day remain calm and focus.  Now to enjoy my rainy day!

Balance

I have a quote in the family room by President Gordon B. Hinckley " Life is meant to be enjoyed not just endured"  Just for anyone that reads this blogs information, President Hinckley is a genius.  His wisdom is truly amazing.  Anyway, I had a good visit with my boss about balance of family, religion, work etc... If you are not engaged in all aspects of your life, things slip through the cracks.  We were put on this earth to learn, live, love, enjoy, grow, explore, yet we spend so much time just enduring everything.  Getting through the day, just getting this project finished, waiting for the kids to grow up so we can do whatever.  Where did the idea come that our existence here on this earth was to just get to the next day? Why aren't we doing our best to enjoy each experience good or bad? Why do we tend to focus all of our energies on one or two aspects and let others go by the side? Looks like I have a few things to contemplate.

Problems and Issues

If one is always looking for a problem or an issue, isn't it most likely that they will find one?  I've just noticed that the world tends to focus on the things that are wrong, need to be fixed, could be better.  What happens to the things that are right, going well and pretty great.  Changing perspective as I approach the big four zero :)

Preparation to Procrastination

Over the years I have gone from a preparation princess to a procrastination queen. It seems as more days go by in my life, the more I put things off. Small things, large things, important things, insignificant things, I put them off.  Just today I renewed my drivers license that expires in 2 weeks, I've known for 3 months, but why do today what I can put off tomorrow.  I'm trying to figure out how to lessen the incidences of procrastination.  I haven't quite figured out how to add it to my 40 list either as it is an abstract goal.
Maybe I'll think about that tomorrow.  

Foreword

At the beginning of every book there is a foreword, so at the beginning of this blog is my foreword.  It is 2 weeks to my fortieth birthday.  I am approaching this milestone more focused as the first 40 years of my life have just flown by, I want to make the next 40 really count.  My hair dresser was talking about her 30 before 30 list and obviously doing 40 before 40 I had missed the bus on. But why not do a 40 for my 40's? A list of things I want to try or do over the next decade.  To make it on the list, it must be something that will enrich my life, push me out of my comfort zone and help me grow.  Having spent the last 40 years just existing I am ready to take control and make my life my own. A life that is fabulous, fearless, fit and fun!!!
#1 on my list, keep a journal or a blog, so here I go.